One Year
by M. K. Paine
Summary: A woman grieves for her love, Severus Snape. Character death. SS/OC
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I wrote this on a whim to express my grief for Severus's death. I actually cried when I wrote it. I have a "epilogue" written as well. Let me know if you think I should post it. A review or two might be nice. Happy reading.

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One Year

I stared down at my scarred forearm. Hundreds of small horizontal cuts littered both of them. One for each day he was gone. There were exactly three-hundred sixty-five cuts and scars on my wrists. It had been a year since Severus had died. Today would be the last cut.

I reveled in the sting of the fresh gash. The warm blood dripped down my arms. My fresh salty tears mixed with them. This was the one time during the day I permitted myself to openly grieve for Severus. Otherwise, I hid it. I was an anguished soul on the inside but, I was the epitome of happiness on the outside.

I had to be. No one knew of my love for Severus and no one ever would. I wasn't talking and he sure wasn't going to. We had both agreed that secrecy was the best option. No one would understand our love.

I leaned my head back against the bathtub wall. I tried as I did everyday to convince myself that I wasn't breaking the promise. Before he had left me for the last time, Severus made me promise not to harm myself. At first, I had no idea what he meant. After he died, I knew he meant not to kill myself which I would have done instantly. There was no life without him.

As to not dishonor him, I promised myself I would give myself a year. If at a years end, I was still determined to off myself, I would.

The past year had been a daily struggle. Every morning I woke with an aching emptiness. I expected the grief to lessen with time but it didn't. Every morning it hit me like it just happened. He was never coming back. I would never hold him in my arms. I would never kiss his lips. I would never lie with him. Then I would struggle to the bathroom, where I would proceed to add another cut to my wrist. The physical pain numbed my emotional pain enough that I could continue on. I'd get dressed and apparate to work.

I worked at the Ministry of Magic. I was a simple secretary to the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. It was a boring job but I didn't have the heart to go back to my true passion: Potions.

My love for Potions was what caught Severus's eye. If it hadn't been for that, he would never have known I'd existed. _I'd_ fallen in love with him the moment I met him. Our relationship slowly grew until we were nearly inseparable. We loved each other unconditionally and would have died for one another.

My eyes closed as I remembered the night we first made love. It was my first time and I will always cherish the memory. We were lying together. I was curled up against him, my cheek lying on his chest.

"I love you, Julia. I will always love you," he had whispered to me. It had been the first time he had said it, although I told him daily how much I loved him.

The tears streamed down my cheeks as I remembered that night, but I had to pull myself together. I had to go to work. Then, I could fall apart.

Usually after work, I would come home and make a simple dinner. I would sit in the empty dining room, eating and staring at the seat where Severus always sat. The numbness that had spread through me at work would still be there, so I didn't break down. I would then clean up the Muggle way and then shower. After that I'd lie down in bed and pull Severus's pillow to me and cry myself to sleep. Often times, I would wake up screaming or sobbing. Nightmares were a regular occurrence.

I crawled out of the bathtub and dressed. I apparated to work like any other day. I thought not once of Severus and at the end of the day, apparated away. I didn't go home though, I went to Hogwarts. I had not been back since Severus's funeral.

It wasn't difficult to break in through the front gates. They weren't as well protected as they used to be. I strode across the lawn towards the lake. Beside Dumbledore's white marble tomb was a black granite tomb. I looked down at Severus's name carved on the stone.

"I'm sorry, my love. I am truly sorry. You must know I tried. I couldn't make it without you. I love you and I am sorry." I leaned down and pressed my lips softly to his name.

I turned away and left the grounds. I couldn't do it there, so I went home. I locked the door as I normally did and hung my robes on the hook beside the door. Instead of making dinner, I went straight to the storage room at the end of the hall. I went in and after a moment of searching, found a small vial of poison. It would do the job quickly and painlessly.

I walked calmly through the house, back to the bedroom. I sat on the bed and stared at the vial. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to play this charade of being happy. I wanted to be back with Severus. I wanted to stop aching with grief. I stared at the little vial in my hands for hours until the room grew dark.

Slowly, I uncorked the vial and put it to my lips. I titled my head back and the sweet liquid trickled down my throat. It would take a couple minutes to work. I set the vial on the bedside table and lay down. I pulled Severus's pillow to me and buried my face in it, trying to catch his scent that had long since gone.

My mind began to slow and I felt my body becoming numb. I stared out the window into the black sky that was so much like his eyes.

"Severus," I whispered. "I…love…you…" My eyes closed and my chest lifted and fell with my final breath.

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Let me know if I should post the epilogue. Review please.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to those who reviewed and asked for the epilogue. Here it is.

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I knew I was dead. I had to be. I felt no pain anymore. I only felt…nothing. There was nothing. I was nothing.

I opened my eyes. I didn't even know they were closed. I was lying on my back surrounded by what looked like a thick white fog. I couldn't see anything. There was no sound so I had no idea where I was.

I sat up slowly looking around, trying to make out something through the fog, but there was nothing. I looked down and was surprised to find that I was naked, but I didn't care. What shocked me the most, were my unscarred an uncut arms. They were completely bare of the marks I had made on them.

I stood up and looked around again. The fog was starting to clear. When the fog had cleared completely, I was in what looked like a train station. I suddenly wished I was clothed feeling vulnerable despite being quite alone. No sooner had I thought about it then appeared a pair of robes at my feet. I pulled them on and tried to figure out where I was.

I opened my mouth to try my voice. "Hello? Is anyone there?" I wasn't sure I was expecting an answer. A loud whistle made me jump. I spun around. A train was blowing steam behind me. I gaped. It hadn't been there a moment ago.

I didn't approach it. I had no idea what was going on and I wasn't about to board a train that would probably take me straight to hell. I turned away from the train.

"What is happening?" I whispered, frightened out of my wits.

I heard footsteps suddenly but couldn't tell where they were coming from. I glanced around wildly. Then, "Julia," said a voice. It was filled with sadness and it came from behind me. I turned slowly, almost too terrified to believe it.

There he was. It was no dream. He was standing there, his eyes full of pain and joy. Severus smiled and took a step towards me.

I gazed in shock for only a moment, and then ran to him. He caught me in his arms. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and buried my face in his neck. Tears streamed from my eyes, soaking his collar. He pulled back to look at my tear stained face. Then, his lips met mine in a fiery kiss. His lips were hot and burned me.

I was alive again. My heart beat strongly in my chest. My body was awakened. Every sense was on high. My lips kissed him back with equal fervor. My hands held his face to mine. Tears were still streaming from my eyes, and when we finally pulled apart, I saw a tear roll down his face. I wiped it away with my thumb and stared hungrily into his eyes.

"You promised," he whispered, his voice filled with pain.

"I couldn't…I couldn't make it without you," I said hoarsely. Tears poured from my eyes again. "I tried but…I…it…was too much." I was having trouble breathing.

Severus pulled me too him, cradling me in his arms as I sobbed. "I know you did. I know you did," he said softly.

"You left me. You left me alone. How was I supposed to make it without you?" I sobbed into his chest.

"I hoped you would move on. I see that I was wrong. Our love was too strong. I am sorry for leaving you. I will never forgive myself. I love you, if that makes up for anything. I love you." As hard as he tried, he couldn't keep tears from falling from his eyes. I felt them against my neck.

"I love you, Severus," I whispered. I tightened my hold on him. I would never let him go now that I had him back.

He sighed contently. "We must go, my love. It is time to move on."

"Move on," I said calmly.

"Unless you wish to return?" Severus asked. I looked into his eyes. Fear and pain laced through their dark depths.

"Never," I said softly. "I have you back. I will never let you go."

He smiled and pulled me to him. We walked an arm around each others waists, towards the train. Before boarding, Severus leaned down and kissed my lips softly. Then, he kissed me forehead, then my eyelids, then my nose, and then my lips again. "I love you, Julia."

I smiled up at him, in complete bliss. "I love you, Severus."

Together we boarded the train. I had no idea what lay ahead of us, but we were together. If we were together, I knew I could face anything.

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End file.
